


That Oldest Profession

by Tozette



Category: Naruto
Genre: Extremely Dubious Consent, M/M, Silly, Vile Smut, Virginity, actually kind of mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 01:55:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3311267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tozette/pseuds/Tozette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Deidara is a virgin, Kakuzu experiments with being a procurer, and apparently Hidan's the only one with any sense at all. </p><p>[HiDei, quite dubcon, some gory imagery. Smut.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Oldest Profession

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CostumeMakersApprentice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CostumeMakersApprentice/gifts).



“Why are we running from this stupid heathen cult?” Hidan growled, ducking and settling into place across from Kakuzu.

“Because if we kill them we don’t get paid,” Kakuzu said darkly, eyes gleaming in the shadows. "We can kill them  _after_ we get paid."

“I thought there was no way they were going to attack us?” Hidan hissed, peering around the edge of his wall. He grunted when Kakuzu snagged him by the hair and hauled him back before he could reveal their position.

Kakuzu muttered something that might have been ‘miscalculated’.

“Hidan,” said Kakuzu after a long second.

Hidan grunted, sour but acknowledging. There were leaves in his hair and this mission was not going _at all_ the way he expected, dammit.

“Are you a virgin?”

Hidan actually didn’t say anything for a few seconds. He turned his gaze on Kakuzu. “What the _fuck_?” he asked.

“It would explain why they attacked, if you were,” Kakuzu said. “They can smell it.”

Hidan blinked. “Are you saying,” he said after a second’s pause, “that they only eat _virgins_ in their stupid fucking ritual?”

“Yes,” Kakuzu said, in that tone he got sometimes, like he couldn’t be surprised by anything anymore, like he was too jaded to even exist.

“What the _fuck_ ,” Hidan muttered again. “No,” he added, resentfully, “I am not a fucking virgin.”

There was a pause. “Wait, is that why Leader made Sasori stay--?”

“He is sixteen,” Kakuzu pointed out.

“He’s a _puppet_.”

“A virgin puppet.”

Hidan scoffed.

Kakuzu grunted thoughtfully. “Deidara, then,” he growled.

Deidara? Nah. He‘d have no trouble finding some loser to fuck him. “Don’t be stupid,” Hidan said, wrinkling his nose. “Kid like that? Not a -”

Kakuzu cut him off by standing up. “Time to stage a retreat,” he said in his low voice. “We’ll return with somebody else.”

“Wait. It’s not _you_ , is it?" Hidan asked suspiciously.

Kakuzu didn’t deign to respond.

Hidan grunted, annoyed, and threw himself into a run next to Kakuzu. They were both quick and high on stamina.

“What the hell, yeah?” Deidara panted when he caught up with them, launching himself onto a clay bird and into the skies.

“Regroup,” was all Kakuzu said.

Three weeks later, they returned with Kisame.

Everything ran smoothly. They got paid.

Then Hidan slaughtered the whole cult.

Kakuzu was content enough with their payment not to feel concerned about this outcome.

It did prove one thing, though.

“ _How_?” Hidan wondered to Kakuzu. He did not answer. He didn’t respond at all, actually. Abrupt existential comments from Hidan weren’t that uncommon, really.

“Deidara,” Hidan clarified. Kakuzu paused midway through counting notes, glanced at him, and then continued without answering.

After a few seconds, he grunted. “We could sell that,” he said. “Pretty face, still a virgin. Good prospects. Better than some bounties,” he added thoughtfully.

“You’re _definitely_ going to hell.” Hidan scowled at him.

 

* * *

 

Hidan really, really shouldn’t have been surprised by what came next.

For all his ability with battle tactics and planning, Kakuzu’s people-skills left something to be desired. Kind of -- kind of a lot, actually.

So it was that he managed to procure a client before he even thought to discuss his transaction with Deidara.

Hidan could have told Kakuzu that any ninja who made it to nineteen still clinging to his virginity wasn’t the kind of guy who’d agree to give it up for nothing, or indeed for a 20% cut of the profit.

“He’s getting _two million_ ryo. All he has to do is lay on his back for an hour and spread his legs,” Kakuzu hissed, apparently deeply offended by Deidara’s refusal to have sex on command.

Ten million ryo was a _lot_ for a hooker. Hidan felt his eyebrows rise. He decided against commenting on the price. “Avarice is a sin, you know,” he drawled instead.

Kakuzu wasn‘t listening. “And for what? Sentiment!” He sounded like he’d gotten lost somewhere between ‘baffled’ and ‘pissed off’.

Hidan snorted. You didn’t have to be sentimental to not want some rich stranger grabbing at you.

Kakuzu ignored him.

What followed was a delightfully furious week of bounty hunting and brutality. Happily, Hidan was one of the few ninja on the continent who could keep up with Kakuzu’s stamina long-term.

What happened next, though, he really _should_ have predicted.

 

* * *

 

Deidara turned out to be...

Significantly less willing than Hidan had expected, actually.

“The rope suppresses chakra. He’ll be lucid by now and he killed my last buyer, so I wouldn’t recommend untying him,” was all Kakuzu said, and then he was striding away, counting his notes, looking - almost soft around the eyes, really.

 _Dreamy_ , Hidan might have said.

Kakuzu had an almost _romantic_ passion for money, and it was probably rare for him to make so much money so easily.

Three echoing steps later, Hidan covered the client’s mouth with one hand.

“Hello,” he whispered to him, sliding out away from the cover of the wall.

The man made a muffled noise, and Hidan smiled. “It’s a beautiful night for a sacrifice,” he purred.

So it took him a while to actually _get_ to Deidara - there was no point in rushing the ritual, after all, it wasn’t like Deidara was going anywhere - but he had some time to think.

Letting Kakuzu take the money and killing the client was all well and good, he thought, toeing the civilian’s cooling body (balding on top and flabby about the middle, sweating and stinking of piss; Kakuzu really wanted _this_ thing laying hands on a ninja? Gross), but there was nothing at all to stop Kakuzu from doing it again.

And again.

In fact, as long as people would believe Deidara’s virginity existed, there was legitimately nothing that would stop Kakuzu from pulling this bullshit over and over.

Even if the element of surprise was gone... well, Deidara might be clever, but so was Kakuzu and close-range wasn’t exactly Deidara’s strong point. Hidan was confident that Kakuzu would beat him every time.

Deidara, when he came upon him in that strange room, was naked, bound, and pissed off. His gaze was hard and totally lucid, so whatever Kakuzu had given him had obviously worn off.

Maybe he needn’t have bothered. Chakra or not, bound or not, Deidara would free himself eventually. And that civilian would probably have died either way, in that case.

Hmm. At least Hidan had had the opportunity to send him to god.

When he saw Hidan, though, his expression changed from what was largely frustration to... something different. Anger, maybe? No, more in the nature of poorly disguised fear. Hidan had seen that a lot. A lot of people looked at Hidan with fear disguised as anger.

That was interesting.

It took Hidan a few long moments, leaning against the doorjamb, to come up with a reason why.

Then he scoffed, “Don’t shit yourself yet, I’m not meant to sacrifice other Akatsuki members,” Hidan announced.

He made a scornful noise and sliced through Deidara’s bonds. He dropped the kunai on Deidara’s belly, ignoring his muffled squawk when the sharp edge scored a thin red line in his skin.

“Listen,” he said then, slamming his palm down on Deidara’s collarbone while he was still untangling himself. It wouldn’t take much to break the bone, and from there it was only an inch to his throat.

Deidara went still. There was something predatory and mean behind his blue eyes, but for now Hidan had the upper hand and they both knew it. Deidara would wait.

“What?” he said flatly. His eyes flicked from Hidan’s face to his hand and back. “I’m not listening to another stupid lecture about your god, yeah,” he added snidely.

Hidan tightened his hand. He wasn’t meant to sacrifice Akatsuki members, no... but that probably wouldn’t stop him forever, he thought, watching the steady thump of Deidara’s pulse beneath the pale skin on his throat.

For a second he couldn’t tear his eyes away. The escalating thump-thump of Deidara’s heart felt like some frightened animal, trapped beneath the cage of his skin - one which could be freed with the application of just a little force.

“Stop distracting me," he managed after a second.

Casually, Hidan flicked a clay spider from his shoulder. Fucking _sneaky_.

Deidara scowled and wriggled unhappily.

“The point is, and I cannot believe I’m about to say this, but you have got to get laid.”

Deidara went still. “What,” he said, and this time it wasn’t even a question, it was just a flat noise in his mouth.

“Seriously,” Hidan said, trying to give his argument as much gravity as he could. “I fucking _know_ Kakuzu, okay? Get laid and do it _fast_.”

Deidara stared at him, but didn’t actually answer.

Finally, he opened his mouth, then closed it uncertainly.

“What?” Hidan said in a growling sigh.

Deidara’s blue eyes narrowed. “Just one thing,” he said, a little _too_ sweetly, reaching up and peeling Hidan’s fingers away from his neck.

Hidan let him, because his point was made, Deidara had listened - it was fine. He didn’t need the leverage anymore. “What’s that?” he said, rolling his eyes.

Deidara’s lips peeled back in an unfriendly smile. “ _Katsu_.”

And that was when the clay spider Hidan _hadn’t_ noticed detonated on his right shoulder, hurling him sideways into the wall. The plaster cracked and crumbled, and Hidan found himself burned and smoking and half-buried in the chunks.

Deidara rolled off the bed, naked and completely unselfconscious, and tossed the ragged remains of Kakuzu’s rope at Hidan’s bleeding head.

“The first spider was the distraction. Have a nice concussion, yeah,” he said, and then padded out.

 

* * *

 

 

Hidan spat out a mouthful of blood, ground his teeth and staggered to his feet.

When he made it back, Kakuzu looked him up and down and sniffed, “Idiot,” before he returned to counting his money.

 

* * *

 

Deidara did not get laid.

Hidan knew this because Kakuzu’s attention to him really didn’t slacken.

“Why do you keep cutting him free?” Sasori asked in his raspy Hiruko voice one morning, watching impassively as Hidan dragged a semi-conscious Deidara across the threshold by his heel. After the first time, Kakuzu had begun to use more serious sedative drugs.

Ugh, he didn’t _know_. It was dumb. Kakuzu shouldn’t profit off this shit. It annoyed him like an itch beneath his skin.

“It’s immoral,” Hidan sneered, “but I wouldn’t expect you to understand that.”

“Tsk,” Sasori scoffed, apparently unimpressed with this reasoning. Or perhaps with morality as a general concept.

“Do you want him or not?” Hidan said, gesturing with Deidara’s heel toward Sasori. Deidara gave a weak kick and slurred something Hidan couldn’t understand and didn’t really care about.

“No,” said Sasori. He drifted away with the mechanical shift-click sound of Hiruko’s huge shell.

Hidan stared after him for a second, then shrugged and left Deidara’s body on the floor in the middle of HQ. It would take Kakuzu at least a day or two to source a new client, surely...

 

* * *

 

“For FUCK’S SAKE,” Hidan roared, three hours later.

This time he cut out the middle man and punched Kakuzu in the face.

 _Through_ his new client.

“Hidan,” Kakuzu growled. His skin was hard as rock and he was completely unaffected by both the force of Hidan’s punch and the spatter of blood and... thicker things.

He looked really, really annoyed about the client, though.

“Whatever,” Hidan snapped. “It’s not like you can’t take your money off his corpse,” he spat.

He pulled his fist from the client’s body and didn’t even feel excited about the bloody leavings on it. A rib scraped down his forearm. What a mess.

“This is getting fucking ridiculous,” he bitched while Kakuzu did, indeed, perform a truly, perhaps disturbingly, thorough search of the dead man’s body.

He had at least one diamond stud in a place Hidan would _not_ have thought to look for it. Huh. Kinky.

“You’re wasting so much time fucking around with - and I cannot believe I’m about to say this, seriously fucking listen to this, Kakuzu, this is what you’re making me say: you’re wasting time _prostituting Deidara_. We aren’t collecting bounties. We aren’t _killing anybody_. I literally h _ave to sacrifice these stupid fuckers_ to make my monthly quota!”

Kakuzu glowered at him. “You imbecile,” he snarled. “Do you have any idea how much money we’re making doing this?”

“WHO CARES?” Hidan bellowed, waving one hand wildly. “Seriously, _who the fuck cares_? What the hell is--”

The blow that caught him on the cheekbone and sent him staggering was one Hidan really should have seen coming, but his temper had caught him out. Again. Bad habit, that.

Kakuzu grabbed him by the throat and hoisted him up. His toes were dangling in mid air. “Everybody,” he hissed, “but you.”

His hand tightened until the delicate structures in Hidan’s throat were creaking under the pressure. He could feel Kakuzu’s killing intent, thick and heavy in the air, weighing down his bones. Soon his neck would break, a bright red snap across Hidan’s nervous system - he was almost eager for it, but --

But of course, Kakuzu was used to strangling people who fundamentally differed from Hidan, in that they needed to breathe.

With a wheezing cackle he swung his scythe, movements flowing independent of how much oxygen he had.

Kakuzu jumped back and left his hand behind, all quick reflexes and catlike dexterity, extending the distance between Hidan’s neck and his own body with a length of powerful threads.

He slammed Hidan into the ground before retracting his hand, and Hidan rebounded like a poorly-aimed rubber band.

“ _That’s what I’m talking abou_ t,” he jeered breathlessly, lunging for Kakuzu.

 

* * *

 

By the time Hidan had recovered from being choked and dismembered, Deidara was --

Well, apparently Deidara should not be drugged again so soon.

(“Kidney failure,” Kakuzu explained sourly, never once looking up from the notes he was counting out.

“...huh,” said Hidan , scratching his head thoughtfully. Organ failure, as a concept divorced from, you know, _stabbing_ , rarely occurred to him.)

This meant that Hidan had a week’s reprieve from clients and difficult moral concepts. And - and this was the important part - they did actual work that week, in that they hunted some bounties and he sacrificed a bunch of no-name rogue ninja.

Hidan was pleased. Kakuzu was as happy as he ever got.

Hidan did not understand why things could not remain this way, with no further weirdness involving Deidara’s virgin butt. Or penis, he supposed, but he had noticed that all Kakuzu’s buyers were male thus far. Male and unhappy and presumably insecure, looking to assert their dubious masculinity. He was pretty sure it was Deidara’s virgin butt they were discussing, really.

Not that he _wanted_ to be involved in any weirdness involving Deidara’s butt.

Still, it was not to be.

Two days after Kakuzu determined that attacking and drugging Deidara again probably wouldn’t kill him, Hidan stormed into a brothel, up three flights of stairs, through one bar fight and into the room that Kakuzu had vacated less than five seconds ago.

“Right,” he growled, and broke the new client’s neck.

Then he took the key off him, examined the room number, and went to see Deidara.

 

* * *

 

Deidara looked... tired. And naked.

“This is such bullshit,” he said groggily when he cracked his eyes open and saw Hidan silhouetted in the doorway.

Hidan dumped the deceased client in one corner of the room “Idiot,” he said to Deidara. “What did I tell you?”

“Fuck off,” Deidara snarled as he approached the bed.

Hidan ignored him. “Okay. Listen,” he said, slinging one leg easily across Deidara’s body. He didn’t settle his weight, but stayed braced upon his knees.

Deidara’s lips moved, his voice made a muffled noise, and Hidan shoved him, forcing his head back into the mattress, and slapped his hand over his mouth. He could feel Deidara’s teeth pressing against his hand. “ _Listen_ ,” he hissed.

Deidara glowered at him.

(Kakuzu was right. He was kind of pretty. Prettier when he was pissed off, though. And helpless. Both of those things, Hidan liked.

Hmm.)

“I told you to get laid. Since apparently people are willing to pay ten million fucking ryo for the privilege, it shouldn’t have been really goddamn hard for you.”

Deidara’s eyes flickered from Hidan to the door.

“You’re an absolute moron,” he sighed. “Listen: for as long as Kakuzu can convince any rich asshole that you’re a virgin, you’re going to end up tied to some random goddamn object and drugged out of your mind. I,” he added, shoving harder when Deidara looked like he was going to try talking again, and from the short, uncomfortable noise he made Deidara was probably cutting his lips on his own teeth now, “I am not fucking interested in this bullshit.”

Deidara grunted.

“No,” Hidan growled. “Seriously. This is some seriously stupid shit. It’s sinful as hell and a giant waste of time to boot. Kakuzu thinks that anything that pays him is worth his time, but standing around negotiating the sale of _your fucking arse_ involves significantly less _killing_ than I’d like.”

Deidara’s eyes widened with sudden understanding. For a second, he stopped struggling.

Hidan sighed, withdrew his hand, and settled his weight upon Deidara’s hips and belly. He ran his hand through his hair. “Fucking virgins isn’t really my thing,” he admitted casually. “They don’t know what they’re doing and there’s a lot of stupid hand-holding and dumb questions.”

“Get the hell off me, yeah,” Deidara growled, giving Hidan narrowed, wary eyes. “Don’t you _dare_ -”

Hidan did not get off him.

Instead, Hidan flicked some of Deidara's hair out of his eyes and fixed him with a cranky look as he interrupted: "You can be a stubborn dumbass about this, or you can make fun out of necessity, but you are definitely going to stop wasting my fucking time with this, so --"

Deidara's glare burned hot. “This is _not_ my fault," he snarled, still not coordinated enough to make a decent attempt at throwing Hidan off. "Why aren't you having this conversation with Kakuzu? What the hell, do you think I want this?"

“Hell no, this is definitely Kakuzu’s fault.” Hidan snorted. "But here’s the thing. That heathen asshole? You think he listens to anything but money? I can't fucking babysit Kakuzu, but I can take away his motive."

Deidara clenched his jaw and rolled his head so he was staring past his own bound wrist instead of looking at Hidan. "So, what, it's easier to rape me than --"

"Don't think of it as 'rape'," Hidan recommended, interrupting.

Deidara shot him an incredulous glare. "If I have to be tied down, it's rape, yeah!"

"Well, okay, if that’s what you wanna call it. Like I haven’t done worse? But it could be really _fun_ rape. It's either me, now, or I won't kill the next asshole who buys your dumb ass. You should see this one,” he nodded toward the body. “He must’ve been Kakuzu's age," he added, and laughed.

A muscle in Deidara's jaw ticked. "Maybe he'd be _better_ , yeah," he growled resentfully.

“Kakuzu’s age, with none of Kakuzu’s build. He was barely your height, food in his beard, fat fucking hands with rings jammed on so hard Kakuzu’s gonna have to cut ‘em off his corpse. You should have smelled him,” he added, grinning. “I don’t think he’s bathed in months.”

Deidara looked a little ill. “That’s disgusting,” he muttered.

“You said it,” Hidan agreed, and he leaned down to rub his mouth against Deidara’s jaw.

“Hey. Hey! _Pervert_ \--!”

Hidan rolled his eyes and slapped one hand over Deidara’s mouth - the one on his face, anyway. Deidara had so many mouths, it was a wonder he ever stopped fucking talking at all... “Shut up,” he advised, ignoring the blunt scrape of Dediara’s teeth.

He bit gently, rubbed his face against Deidara’s and slid his tongue over the shell of his ear. “That’s it,” he said, grinning a huge shit eating grin, when he felt Deidara break out in what he could only describe as ‘deeply confused shuddering’.

He could see one of Deidara’s tied hands twitch and stretch from the corner of his eye. He probably wanted it around Hidan’s neck, like, yesterday. That could have been fun, really - the struggle, blood thundering, hands strong and dangerous... but the chances of him somehow escaping were too high, and Hidan didn’t want to go through this bullshit again.

Hidan let go of his mean grip on Deidara’s face and let his fingers rub against his mouth. He could feel the chapped edges of Deidara’s lips catch on the rough parts of his hand, and swiped his thumb across his lips thoughtfully.

“You’re gross, yeah,” Deidara said, with significantly less vitriol. He wriggled. He was becoming more coordinated.

Hidan trailed his fingers down his neck, over his clavicle. “Probably,” he agreed without particular rancour. “But I’m giving you a fighting fucking chance for this not to be painful and boring, here. You might as well enjoy it.”

He leaned in again to bite gently on his jaw and down his throat, and Deidara rolled his head back, more or less automatically.

“You have the self preservation skills of a stoned lemming,” Hidan informed him, and bit down over his erratic pulse. He wasn’t gentle.

There was a heartbeat there where it could have turned into a bloodbath, and from the way Deidara tensed and made a weird, breathless noise, he knew it too.

After a second of mouth-watering, heart-pounding stillness, Hidan let him go.

Barely.

“You’re so fucked up,” Deidara said, flat and indifferent sounding. But he relaxed, finally, into the sheets, and the eyes he looked at Hidan with were... not trusting. But not hostile.

“I’m fucked up?” Hidan said, and snorted derisively. He chose to prevent any boring (or enraging) comeback with his mouth on Deidara’s, and he took the opportunity to jam his knee between Deidara’s.

Deidara bit him, hard.

“Ow,” Hidan grunted, pulling away. He gave Deidara an affronted look.

“You’re not exactly a gentleman, are you?” Deidara said, sneering. He was shifting his knees, as though he could somehow circumvent the part where they were tied and close his legs against Hidan’s thigh.

“And here I thought you only _looked_ like a little girl,” Hidan said, wiping the blood from his mouth with one hand. “What, you wanna be treated like one, too?”

He smeared it on Deidara’s nose.

“What the hell?” Deidara demanded, jerking his face away.

Hidan laughed at him. “See, now _that’s_ hot.” He ignored Deidara’s startled blink and leaned closer, pressing all his weight flat against Deidara until he was covering him, face pressed gently against his face, breath in his ear.

“Pissed off and smeared with blood,” he purred. “I think I’m starting to see what Kakuzu was talking about.”

Deidara didn‘t so much as twitch. Nerves of fucking titanium. See, _this_ was what Hidan liked about ninja. They didn’t break easy.

“As long as it’s your blood, yeah,” Deidara said, baring his teeth. He sunk them quick and hard into Hidan’s ear, which had probably the reverse of the impact he was hoping for -- there was a crunch of cartilage, a white-hot snap of pain across Hidan’s vision.

He released a long, shuddering sigh against Deidara’s neck. “Mm,” he said, snaking a hand down between them.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Deidara muttered sourly. “Of course you -- GET YOUR HAND OFF MY DICK,” he shrieked.

“My hand’s not even on your dick yet," Hidan said, rolling his eyes. His fingers were curling through the pubic hair low on Deidara’s belly. He tugged, not hard enough to rip any out, but hard enough to make Deidara flinch.

He kneed Hidan in the hip. It wasn’t very hard, because he was tied down and couldn’t get the leverage to do any damage. “I will kill you,” he said dangerously, all low voice and bright, glittering eyes.

“I will kill you, Hidan. I will find a way. Even if I have to burn you and scatter the ashes,” his jaw was clenched. Hidan could feel the thunder of his pulse, and he felt his own heart beat quicken in response.

“Yeah?” he said, trailing his fingers through the hair and sliding their pads over the shaft of Deidara’s penis. He didn’t flinch.

“I’ll do it, yeah,” he agreed, with a flush that was either rage or confused horniness burning across his cheekbones, “I’ll rip you to pieces. I’ll dump them in the ocean. I’ll cut you so small and I’ll feed you to the birds. I’ll cut you open and pack you with explosives. You’ll be a masterpiece,” his eyes went glassy on this last thought.

“Fuck that’s hot,” Hidan breathed, rolling back his foreskin. He hadn’t taken a really good look at Deidara’s penis, but his skin was soft and surprisingly pleasant to touch, warmer than the rest of him. Hidan hadn’t exactly been thinking of this as a _chore_ , but it might be more worthwhile than he’d thought.

Deidara made a short, sharp, surprised sound and squirmed.

Hidan ignored that, even though he kind of liked it. “Are you gonna do it with your bare hands?” he asked, grinning at Deidara in a way that was probably fairly unsettling. “Are you gonna yank my entrails out to make room, spread them all slick and bloody across the--”

“This is gross,” Deidara whined, interrupting, throwing his head back so he didn’t have to look at Hidan’s face. “This is gross, you giant masochist -- _you’re gross_ ,” he added vehemently, and then, wriggling unhappily when his penis began to swell with blood under Hidan’s fingers and blood-sticky, calloused palm, looking frightened and disgusted all at once, “ _I’m_ gross, yeah,” he said.

“You’re fucking disgusting,” Hidan agreed blithely. He dragged his rough fingertips along the shaft of his penis, delighting in the desperately uncomfortable expression that crossed Deidara’s face at the feel of it. Oh, hell, yes.

He gave it a second before using his other hand to push Deidara’s face roughly to the side - “Ow, what the -- mmmngh!” - and into the muffling pillows so he could bite his neck without fear of any toothy retribution.

He pulled long and slow against his penis and Deidara shifted uncomfortably again, and Hidan wasn’t really that surprised when he bit down and sucked on Deidara’s ear that he heard him make a shocked little whimper.

He wasn’t surprised, no, but it was hard not to admit that he liked it. The shock and confusion of it pleased him on some level he didn’t quite understand, but then -- well, it all came down to that one thing, didn’t it?

“You’re a moron,” he said huskily to Deidara, digging his free hand into his shoulder. He rolled his hips hard against him, feeling the answering tension in Deidara‘s thighs, in his stomach. Mm-hmm. “And I’m gonna fuck you, and you’re gonna like it, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Deidara snarled something into his pillow which Hidan translated as ‘fuck you,’ even though he couldn’t really understand the muffled noises.

He shoved him harder, enjoying the struggling muscles for a couple of seconds - okay, almost a minute - before he let him go and Deidara came up looking flushed and angry. He yanked at his bonds, but Hidan noticed that his erection hadn’t exactly disappeared. His eyes were a little glazed, and his pupils were _big_.

He _liked_ being pushed and shoved and held down, Hidan decided, lips curling. Well, that wasn’t really uncommon.

Deidara might have been tied down, but his dick was hard and fat with blood, and his chest was heaving with each breath, and - despite his spitting and swearing, he made absolutely no effort to jerk away when Hidan crawled down his bound body and scraped his nails over his ribs, over the vulnerable flesh of his belly.

“Still here?” Hidan prompted, licking his lips and peering up at him.

Deidara looked down the length of his body at him, sweaty messy hair and wild eyes and flushed. “What?” he said stupidly.

Hidan laughed at him.

Deidara jerked, discovering that there was just enough give to kick Hidan awkwardly in the stomach.

Hidan gasped an indrawn breath and laughed harder. Close enough.

Deidara’s penis was ugly, but all penises were pretty much hideous so that wasn’t saying much. Otherwise, it was pretty much just a dick - which was good, because if it had been like, covered with giant mouths and teeth or something, Hidan might have been unsure what the fuck to do with it.

“What do you know,” he muttered, “guess you’re not a girl after all.”

“I will fucking ki-- _llyennnnngh_ ,” Deidara trailed off in a shocked voice because apparently the concept that Hidan might actually lean down and suck his dick had not occurred to him.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” he breathed, almost too low to catch, but Hidan definitely heard it. He contemplated the deep-throat thing for a few seconds, maybe -- give him a show, listen to his stupid shocked little noises escalate, that could be fun. But Hidan didn’t especially enjoy the feeling of not being able to breathe past a penis. He shoved his hand under Deidara’s body and dragged his nails down his lower back, over the swell of his butt and down the side of his thigh, hard enough to make him flinch.

It hadn’t entirely occurred to Hidan that a blow job might make Deidara lose all coherency, but once he was there and Deidara was making little sighs and mumbles instead of swearing at him, it was almost hard to let go.

Maybe he didn’t care much about Deidara personally, but he could definitely get behind listening to him get off, shocked and unwilling and all helpless under Hidan’s hands and tongue and teeth.

Still. Virginity was the issue at hand, and blow jobs were fun and all but they weren’t really part of the socially accepted definition of sex, exactly. That mostly meant intercourse, so that was where they were headed.

On the up side, roughly the only benefit of fucking Deidara at a literal brothel was the easy access to lubricants.

“That smells weird,” Deidara said hazily, lifting his head, and Hidan took the opportunity to smear a fingerful of the cherry flavoured goop across his mouth. “Gah! What the-- _OW_ ,” Deidara yelped, being entirely unprepared to feel one of Hidan’s fingers jammed up his butt.

“OW, what the hell, Hidan!” He was a lot less hazy all of a sudden.

“Stop moving,” he ordered shortly. It wasn’t so much that it would hurt Deidara without lube, if he was honest - more that going without would be a lot like shoving his own junk into a vise. Deidara wasn’t exactly relaxed, for one, and he felt tight around Hidan’s fingers, which was --

Yeah. Without lube, that was going to hurt both of them. And not in a good way.

"Stop--?" Pause. "LIKE HELL," Deidara bellowed, kicking his bound legs. They didn’t go far and weren’t hard to avoid.

“OW,” he added when Hidan took the opportunity to shove another finger in. “St -- stupid,” he said in a hard voice, “that’s too much!”

Hidan eyed him critically. Sweat was already staining his hair, and his muscles twitched and bunched reflexively. Hidan moved his fingers experimentally, prompting an unhappy whine from Deidara. “It’s fine,” he said, absolutely dismissive.

"It’s _not_! You have no idea what you're doing!"

“No, _you_ have no idea what you’re doing,” Hidan said, rolling his eyes, “that’s what ‘virgin’ means.” He did, however, add more lubricant. Deidara needed to relax, at least a little, or this was going to be hell on both of them.

Hidan kind of wished he was any good at genjutsu. It would have been handy right now. Well, whatever - he’d just have to be patient.

Being patient wasn’t really the thing Hidan was best at.

But Deidara’s muscles, deprived of extra chakra, were just like anybody else’s: he couldn’t maintain this much energy and tension in them for that long. Eventually, twitching and ticking, his sphincter and the muscles further inside would stop being so tight.

After a second longer watching him squirm and try to get away from the unpleasant feeling of Hidan’s fingers, he shrugged and dropped his head back down, licking sloppily up the underside of Deidara’s cock without any particular warning.

Deidara made a noise that could only be described as a squeak. “What --” He broke off again, because Hidan managed to seal his mouth around the head of his dick without stopping the uncomfortable movement of his fingers.

Hidan didn’t bother to cover his teeth, but from the half-frightened, all-hot noises that escaped him, Deidara didn’t much care. He sounded like maybe he actually liked the dangerous scrape of Hidan’s teeth against his penis.

“Ah--” he got out, and Hidan supposed it was no surprise that Deidara was responsive like this, and definitely unsurprising that he also happened to be shameless as fuck when he was into it.

It was still hot. Deidara threw his whole body into it without even noticing with his feet shifting restlessly for leverage they were never going to get, stomach clenching, hips rolling - he couldn’t get the angle for forcing himself up with his arms tied, but it was a hell of a show to watch with his head rolled back and his hair a matted mess against the cheap cushions.

He made noises, shocked little noises that worked surprisingly well for Hidan - he sounded like he was hot, like he was feeling good, and also like he was shocked and overwhelmed by the feeling, like it was too new and unexpected and -- _too much_ \-- to understand.

His mouth stayed open, breathing hard, and Hidan actually, genuinely, wanted to do truly filthy things to him.

Hidan wanted to devour him, he really did, to leave him reeking and exhausted and fucking _astonished_ by how good he felt, wanted to take him apart and ruin him with his very own hands. He wanted to make him shake.

He wanted to kill him, afterward, too.

Hidan wanted to lick Deidara’s blood from his bitten lips and leave him there, tied down, while Hidan stepped into Jashin-sama’s circle, and Deidara would know what that meant.

He’d leave him for long minutes, quivering and nervous, until he stripped naked and scraped his nails across his own skin. He could imagine it with a terrible clarity. Each touch would be a shock, and some of them would hurt - truly, really hurt, bruises and slices and bleeding made all the more beautiful by their cruel intimacy - and some of them would make him arch against his bonds, cry out, distressed but _pleased_ , until his voice broke into confused gasps.

He pulled back with a wet sucking noise and a long, slow lick that made Deidara‘s spine shudder.

“It’s a real fucking pity I’m not allowed to kill you,” he purred into Deidara’s belly, low voice rumbling against his skin. He was more turned on by that thought than he had been the whole time he’d been here, coaxing Deidara into it.

Deidara made a thin, frustrated noise. “Stop fucking around,” he growled at him, snapping at Hidan’s face with his teeth.

His pupils were blown wide. Hidan smiled. It wasn’t a nice smile. None of Hidan’s smiles were nice smiles.

Hidan rubbed inside him with his fingers, long and careful, and bit the curve of an abdominal muscle while Deidara’s voice cracked on a helpless groan.

“All right,” he said agreeably, and the flash of uncertainty across Deidara’s face was a thing of beauty. There was no real need to get out of his clothing - it wasn’t as though Deidara could actually touch Hidan with his hands and arms tied down like that - so he just shoved his pants down and slicked his penis with the weird flavoured lube.

Deidara responded astonishingly well to having somebody else’s dick inserted into his butt. He seemed well past wanting Hidan to stop or go away - he responded by shoving with his hips, baring his teeth. His every shift and roll seemed calculated to somehow force Hidan’s penis further inside, deeper, closer, more satisfying. He rocked up into him like he wanted to meld the two of them somehow.

He wasn’t especially tender, and Hidan could get behind that. He wrapped one hand around the long blond mess of Deidara’s tangled hair. He fucked him without much care for Deidara’s comfort at all: he was rough to the point of pain, hands bruising where they grabbed.

Deidara didn’t seem remotely dissatisfied by this though, because every punishing shove and thrust was met with hard, helpless grunting noises and a new roll of Deidara’s hips, his arms jerking against Kakuzu’s ropes and his teeth clenched.

Hidan could feel it when Deidara's muscles started to contract involuntarily, tremblingly, and he definitely saw the way he rocked his head back against the pillows while his eyes rolled into the back of his skull. Deidara swore. The sound his voice made was rough and broken and seemed torn from him, and he kept swearing, gasping, voice raw and breathless. Then there was slick semen between them, a last shocked gasp of satisfaction, and Deidara’s muscles went abruptly lax.

There was a hazy second where he blinked glassily at Hidan, pupils blown wide and mouth wet and open, and he made a soft noise.

Hidan would have laughed if he hadn’t been kind of in the middle of something.

He very purposely did not roll his eyes, but he did pull harder on his hair and yank him closer. Deidara was too dazed and spaced out to care much when he was fucking him again, rough and sloppy, and Hidan didn’t bother being conciliatory about it.

He got off, pulled out, rolled over and caught his breath for a few seconds.

Deidara blinked at nothing.

Well, thought Hidan, that was completely uninteresting.

“Congratulations,” he drawled, patting Deidara condescendingly on the head. “You’re not a virgin anymore.”

Then he spilt himself off the bed and gathered up his clothing. He glanced at Deidara before he left. It wasn’t that surprising that he’d started shivering a little, looking confused and oddly vulnerable.

Maybe Hidan would send Tobi to pick him up, he thought, toeing the dead body of Deidara’s previous client. Then again, maybe not. Deidara was tough - he’d had to be, really, Akatsuki and all - and he’d get over it.

Hidan shrugged off this thought and left.

 

* * *

 

Kakuzu glowered at him when he returned covered in the stench of sweat and semen and an afternoon really well wasted. “You owe me ten million ryo,” he said flatly.

Hidan, immediately and predictably, lost his temper.

The resulting fight was brutal, bloody, and extremely cathartic.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am sick and tired and finally finished this dumb thing, whoo. Now I need your comments like I need to breathe, gentle readers.


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